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Meet Wheresmy - Goddess of the unseen

When, in humankind’s fairly lengthy history, did women become the keeper of lost items? On what stone tablets, sacred scrolls or dusty tome did the words IF YOU LOSE SOMETHING, ASK A WOMAN, appear?

Just when was it decreed that females had some eighth sense about where the other sock is?! Well, here’s a newsflash. We don’t hold the key to EVERYTHING in our apron pockets. Hell, I haven’t worn an apron since the last Christmas party my husband’s company hosted. Black dress and powdered sugar don’t mix.

Not only do I not know where all my family’s missing items are; I have lost some of my own. Yes, believe it or not, women tend to misplace things too. I think the difference may be perspective.

A woman discovers she only has one glove. She needs the other one. It’s cold outside. She puts her purse down, stands the kid by the door and looks around in all the possible places her glove may have wandered. Usually, if she’s lucky, she can narrow it down to a few spots. Bottom of the toy box. A likely spot. Behind the bathroom door. More likely still. She knows one thing with absolute certainty. If she doesn’t look for it, no one else will.

Men and children have an entirely different perspective. Teens are a breed all their own and usually don’t care if their socks match. They’re either sleeping or it’s the style. Slovenly is in. Has been for years. They save their money to buy grunge. Think about this a moment. We used to buy jeans and get them home, only to go at them with the scissors. My mother used to gasp in horror as I desecrated a brand new pair of pants. Down came the hem and out came the bleach. Into the wash and voila! Jeans, just the way you needed them.  Today, they buy them already desecrated. Mothers all over the planet have no clue anymore, which are the new and which are the old. Laundry ethics are damned for eternity.

Getting back to men and children, both groups consider the missing item one of two ways. Either the item has gone missing forever and will never be found, in which case it hits the “favorite” category to be filed for posterity. Favorite socks, favorite gloves, favorite, favorite.

Or…the concept of looking for it has slipped their immediate grasp and they no longer function as mobile human beings. They will sit on the couch, kitchen chair, bed and bemoan the missing item. One other factor I think they deliberately calculate in is the time. They never mourn a missing thing until five minutes before the bus is due, work starts or the ride’s here. Never can they plan ahead to miss the item while they still have time to look. They have to sucker any living thing in the vicinity into the hunt.

I think when the mists of long ago faded, the Great Goddess Wheresmy took up residence in woman. She knew that her keen sense of discovery, her powerful magic divining rod and her night-vision goddess eyes would be kept safe and used with love and mercy when she entrusted women with Her divinity.

Copyright 2002


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