Last Will and Testament
A Writers Guide
Loot my body Ďcause itís all youíre getting
I faced the fact years ago that only a small percent of writers actually make the Big Time. They have book runs of over a million, they do book signings and interviews, they have signed their names so many times their fingers are deformed and they make more money than Mount Olympus has egos.
I think, in general, writers write because we are compelled to do so. Why else would we work for peanuts, pull all-nighters and expect people to understand what we have to say despite it being channeled from deranged minds in the Great Beyond?
In readiness of the inevitable, all writers should try to leave a Last Will for their loved ones. Most of us wonít need lawyers for this.
The first step would be to hunt down a standardized will package. This is NOT something you purchase with the newest diet craze. It is a legitimate ready-to-use packet containing all youíll need to prepare your last mortal document. Click here.
forget the dictionary for those legal terms.
Ok, so you have
the package. What follows are a few tips for the answers to your
familyís questions about your possible / inevitable demise.
Letís take a look at the real reason for wills, mainly, because most of us will never get the chance to use one for its ultimate purpose - distribution of wealth.
As your family gathers around the kitchen table (no oak-paneled libraries here), they convene under a tense veil of sorrow and grief. Some more than others but you wonít be there so donít dwell on it.
So here is a list of what goes to whom. Short list. Youíd think there would really not be much to argue about. But that, my friends, goes against human nature. Your family WILL argue about your things. Therefore, use it as leverage. Cure the ills of your family even after youíre dead. What better legacy could you leave. Force those not speaking to work out a deal over the twist-tie collection in your kitchen drawer. Encourage education by leaving your illiterate cousin your vast collection of old newspaper clippings. You get the idea. They will argue despite nothing to argue over. They will whine that you promised such and such years ago.
The answer? Leave nothing. Which in the case of writers, is not that difficult. With nothing to fight over, theyíll still fight but you wonít be there so donít dwell on it.
The following points are definite *doís* in a writerís will.
First - make sure you have all your writing categorized and catalogued. Yes, catalogued. Believe it or not, they may just glean something from this chaotic collection of your thoughts and creations.
Second - never leave anything to chance. List every possible asset you have, including works unfinished. Just look at how many copies of The Mystery of Edwin Drood have sold since Dickenís death. A fine example of unfinished business. If you end up finishing any of these, start another. No writer should leave all mysteries solved.
Third - tag every paragraph with "pending". This will drive them insane.
Fourth - make sure you have a paragraph stating that your major organs are not eligible to be put up for sale on the underground body parts market - so looting your body is not even an option. After all, what could they possible get for strained corneas, kidneys at half-production from caffeine intake and a heart that hasnít seen the light of daily exercise?
Be ready for the inevitable. Your family will thank you.
parent teacher wife
artist poet coo
humorist woman volunteer student
Some of My Work
Life as Fodder
Life and Sanity
A Humor Column
Martin & Harriet
He's dead, she's not.