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Martin & Harriet -  Funerals and Pipes

 

Harriet what did you bury me in, Darling? 

Are you kidding, Martin?  Iíd have thought with an ego like yours, youíd have attended your own funeral. 

Seems I didnít.  At least, I donít remember doing so.  

Ah, well.  It was a lovely somber affair.  Your coffin was sensational.  Lined with simple gray satin.  You looked so natural, Martin.  I wept.  Youíll never hear me admit that again, but I wept with the loss of you.  Your stunning  blue suit.  Thatís what I buried you in.  The onyx cufflinks.  

Sounds nice, Harriet.  Thank you.  I wonít tell a soul about your having some heart. 

No one would believe you anyway.  Iím a bitch, remember? 

How could I forget, Darling.  The first I remember after my ÖumÖpassing, was  hovering over the bar in the living room, watching you stew in your scotch and water. 

Shut up.  You were dead, for godís sake.  What else does a widow do?  I drank for three days straight. 

Harriet thatís sweet that you mourned me like that.  

Gad,, Martin.  I wasnít mourning you.  I wept with joy at the freedom. 

You lie, woman. 

Do I? 

Yes, you do.  

Ah, I suppose I do.  I do miss you, Martin.  On occasion.  Not the sex of course, butÖ 

Here we go again.  For so bright a woman, You really stink at the insults. 

Yes, I never had time to practice them like you, Darling.  I was busy with college. 

Oh God, here we go.  I was a college drop out.  But I sure kept your sorry ass in the manner in which youíd never before become accustomed.  Canít you think of anything else to insult me with, Harriet.  Iíll even give you a few minutes.  Come up with something new. 

I could if I gave it any thought, but I really am not in the mood.  I have to admit, Martin, that this sparring has its entertainment value.  We didnít bicker near this much when you were alive.  I guess I feel braver knowing you canít throw your pipe at me again.  Lit, at that.   Miss it much, Darling?  That lovely aroma of sweet tobacco.  Iíll bet you could use a nice relaxing bowl of it right about now, eh, Dear? 

Bitch.

 

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